Story 117: Reza Shadey and the Digital Defamation
It was a rainy Thursday, and Mrs Higgins had made a tactical error. She had left her tablet unlocked on the coffee table, glowing invitingly, while she popped into the kitchen for a biscuit. Reza Shadey, who considered himself the Chief Technology Officer of the household, immediately sprang onto the table to "inspect" the device.
He tapped the screen with a paw. The browser was open to a website called The Adventures of Reza Shadey. Reza purred. "Ah! Finally! A digital shrine dedicated to my brilliance! About time!"
He began to read. But as his emerald eyes scanned the text, his purr sputtered and died like a car running out of petrol. His magnificent tail began to twitch. Then it began to thump.
"What is this LIBEL?" he hissed. He read aloud in a horrified whisper: "'Reza Shadey... whose schemes repeatedly spiral into chaos due to his own arrogance'?! 'Accidental hero'?! 'Prone to getting his head stuck in yoghurt pots'?!"
He swiped furiously. "'Story 38: Reza da Vinci's Laundry Masterpiece' says I 'ruined the sheets'. Ruined? I ENHANCED them with mud! And this one — 'Story 89: Purr-to-Power' — claims my business plan was 'ridiculous'! It was visionary!"
Reza was trembling with indignation. "Mrs Higgins has been writing lies! She has painted me as a... a buffoon! A fluffy clown! The world thinks I am merely 'cheeky'! This is digital defamation of the highest order!"
He leapt off the table and zoomed out the cat flap, skidding into the wet garden. He found Penelope sheltering under the garden table. Ginger Tom was asleep on a dry patch of concrete.
"EMERGENCY!" Reza yowled. "My reputation is in tatters! Mrs Higgins has been spreading fake news on the World Wide Web! She says I fail at things!"
Penelope blinked. "Well, Rezzi... you did fall into the pond last week."
Reza waved a paw. "That was a tactical aquatic inspection! The internet must know the TRUTH! I must set the record straight before history judges me as 'that cat who got stuck in a basket'!"
He stormed back inside. Mrs Higgins was still in the kitchen, humming. Reza jumped back onto the table. "I shall build my OWN internet!" he decided. "One based on facts. My facts."
With a flurry of paws, he opened a new tab. "First, a professional profile. People must know I am a serious business cat." He began to tap-tap-tap, creating a LinkedIn profile.
"Job Title: Visionary. Influencer. Chief Snack Officer. Skills: Advanced Napping, Strategic Meowing, Gravity Defiance." He uploaded a photo where he looked particularly stern. "There. Now the corporate world will tremble."
But that wasn't enough. "I need history on my side", he muttered. He opened another tab. "Wikipedia. The encyclopaedia of truth." He began to type furiously, creating his own Wikipedia page.
"Reza Shadey is a world-renowned Persian cat... known for his extraordinary intellect... and repeated persecution by gravity..." He paused. "Yes. That sounds accurate. 'Persecuted by gravity'. Excellent phrasing."
He added a section on his inventions. "The 'Aerial Empire' was not a failure; it was a 'prototype test with unscheduled landing'. The 'Snow Brick' venture was a 'lesson in liquid assets'."
Just as he was adding a citation from "Anonymous Garden Witnesses" (who were definitely not him in disguise), Mrs Higgins walked back in with her tea.
"Reza!" she gasped. "Are you walking on my tablet? You'll send a silly email!"
Reza froze, one paw hovering over 'Publish'. He gave her a look of profound pity. "Silly? My dear woman, I am correcting the historical record. I am curating my personal brand."
Mrs Higgins scooped him up and gently wiped the screen. "You funny boy. Were you trying to catch the little arrow?"
Reza sighed, allowing himself to be cuddled. The humans would never understand. But as she carried him away, he looked back at the screen. The pages were still there, glowing in the background. His truth was out there. Somewhere in the digital ether, he was a CEO. He was a Wikipedia entry. He was a legend.
Later that night, Reza lay on his cushion, dreaming of endorsements and consulting fees. Tiger bounced over. "Reza! I saw the tablet! It has a picture of you looking grumpy!"
Reza smiled a thin, superior smile. "That, my dear Tiger, is my 'Executive Headshot'. And check the links. I'm big business now."
Mrs Higgins says: Tablets and computers are for grown-ups! It's very easy to accidentally buy things or delete important work with stray paws or fingers. Always ask before you tap!
Night night. Sleep tight.