Story 118: Reza Shadey and the Wonderland Audit
Okay, little ones, snuggle down tight. This is the story of the day Reza Shadey fell down a rabbit hole and tried to turn Wonderland into a leadership seminar.
It all began on a perfectly ordinary, if slightly boring, afternoon in Catford. Reza Shadey was sitting on the garden wall, supervising the breeze and waiting for his "award winning entrepreneurial team" (his friends) to bring him snacks. They were late. He was just composing a mental email about "optimising snack delivery workflows" when he noticed something highly irregular.
A Rabbit. Not just any Rabbit — a very busy White Rabbit. The White Rabbit was wearing a waistcoat. And spectacles. And carrying a clipboard.
"I'm late! I'm late! I'm behind schedule and over budget!" cried the Rabbit, scuttling past the compost bin with a frantic twitch of his nose.
Reza's emerald eyes widened. "A professional?" he whispered. "With paperwork? In my garden?" This could not be ignored.
The Rabbit glanced at his clipboard again and squeaked, "No time for lunch! No time for carrots! Oh dear, oh dear!"
Reza leapt down from the wall. "No time for lunch?" he gasped. "This creature is clearly in crisis. He lacks a proper strategy."
The Rabbit disappeared down a large, dark hole beneath the hedge. Reza adjusted his whiskers. "Aha", he purred. "A workplace in need of leadership. I am looking for a top-notch challenge."
And without another thought — because Reza never has second thoughts — he jumped straight in.
Down, down, down he fell. Past floating teacups. Past filing cabinets marked 'URGENT'. Past charts that said 'GROWTH!' and 'SYNERGY!' and 'VISION 2030!'.
Reza spun gently in the air, looking critical. "Hmph. Poor organisation. No clear reporting lines. And the lighting is terrible."
At last — plop! — he landed in a very long hallway full of doors. All the doors were locked. In the middle stood a glass table with a tiny golden key... and a bottle labelled: DRINK ME (OPTIONAL).
Reza sniffed it. "I don't drink mystery liquids", he said firmly. "I delegate." He knocked the bottle over instead. The liquid spilled across the floor, fizzed, and whoosh! — Reza shrank until he was the size of a teacup.
He looked down at his paws. "...This was not in the risk assessment. As an individual with a science background, I urge caution."
Just then, the White Rabbit burst into the hallway, sweating. "Oh no! Oh no! The Queen's meeting starts in three minutes and I've lost the agenda!"
Reza puffed out his tiny chest. "Excellent", he said. "I thrive in chaos. Face to face interaction remains a significant part of creating a global team."
"It does?" squeaked the Rabbit.
"Yes", said Reza. "First, let's reframe the problem. You're not late. You're 'pre-successful'. Now. What are your core deliverables?"
"My... carrots?" said the Rabbit weakly.
"Wrong", said Reza. "Your deliverable is visibility. Walk confidently. Nod a lot. If anyone asks questions, say 'We're circling back'."
The Rabbit's ears wobbled. "Oh! That sounds clever!"
"It is", said Reza. "I invented it." The Rabbit scampered off, looking relieved and completely confused. Reza smiled. "One middle manager aligned."
Reza squeezed through a tiny door and found a Caterpillar sitting on a mushroom, wearing tiny glasses and smoking a bubble pipe. "Who... are... you?" asked the Caterpillar slowly.
"I am a thought leader", said Reza. "I foster the immense talent present in the tech sector. And you?"
"I'm in charge of identity", said the Caterpillar. "Everyone here is very confused."
Reza nodded sympathetically. "Have you tried rebranding?" he asked.
The Caterpillar blinked. "Re... branding?"
"Yes. Labels solve everything", Reza explained, pacing on a leaf. "You're not confused — you're 'in transition'. You're not lazy — you're 'agile'. You're not grumpy — you're 'passionate'."
The Caterpillar smiled dreamily. "Oh. That does sound better."
"Of course", said Reza. "Now if anyone asks who they are, tell them it's a 'journey'. Kudos to you."
Leaving the Caterpillar to his rebranding, Reza arrived at a long table where the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and a Dormouse were having tea. It was chaos. Teapots were flying, sugar was spilling, and the Dormouse was asleep in the butter dish.
"No room! No room!" shouted the Hatter.
Reza jumped onto the table anyway. "This meeting lacks structure", he announced.
"We don't have agendas!" laughed the Hare. "We have tea!"
"Inefficient", said Reza. "Awesome new office, though. Drinks, fruits and fresh coffee every day. But where is the output?" He tapped a teacup with a spoon. "Let's do a quick icebreaker. Share one 'win' and one 'blocker'."
The table went silent. "A... blocker?" whispered the Dormouse, peeking out of the butter.
"Yes", said Reza. "Something stopping progress."
"Oh", said the Hatter. "Time."
"Excellent blocker", said Reza. "We'll park that. Great presentation, thanks." They all nodded, impressed. The tea was still never-ending, but now everyone felt very productive.
As Reza left the table, a grin appeared in a tree. Then eyes. Then a cat. "Interesting leadership style", purred the Cheshire Cat.
"I don't need advice", said Reza, although he thought... "Doing business in Wonderland is a whole different experience."
"Of course not", said the Cat, fading until only the grin remained. "I charge by the smile."
Reza narrowed his eyes. "Can you tell me which way to go?"
"Visiting customers is the only proper way of getting to know the problems we are solving", said the Cat enigmatically.
Reza beamed. "Finally. A professional. We must network later."
At last, Reza stood before the Queen of Hearts. She was red-faced and shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" She screamed at a gardener who had painted the roses the wrong shade of red.
Reza raised a paw. "Excuse me, Your Majesty", he said calmly. "Before we action that, can we align on outcomes?"
The Queen paused. "Outcomes?" she bellowed. "I want results!"
"Excellent", said Reza. "Then let's not remove talent prematurely. Let's put a pin in the beheading and schedule a review. If you are looking for a rewarding career in a company with an excellent culture, shouting is not 'best practice'."
The Queen blinked. "...Fine", she said, lowering her voice. "But I want charts."
"Of course", said Reza. "Very aggressive charts. We can 'ideate' them immediately."
Suddenly — POOF! — Reza felt himself growing. The castle swirled, the Queen turned into a playing card, and the charts flew into the air like confetti.
He tumbled backward through the rabbit hole and landed back in Catford, right beside the compost bin. Mrs Higgins was watering the plants.
"Reza", she said, "why are you sleeping in the dirt?"
Reza shook himself, dust flying from his fur. "I wasn't sleeping", he thought, giving her a look of supreme importance. "I have just led a complex organisation through transformational change."
"That's nice, dear", Mrs Higgins smiled.
Reza curled up in the sun, feeling very accomplished. "Hmph. Wonderland has potential. Terrible governance. But potential. I should charge them a consulting fee."
And with that, he fell asleep — already planning a follow-up workshop.
Night night. Sleep tight.