Story 138: Reza Shadey and the Very Important Roman Inspection
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about the day Reza Shadey decided that the ancient city of Rome wasn't just old — it was messy, and it desperately needed a manager.
It was a bright, golden morning in the Largo di Torre Argentina. This is a very special place in Rome where old temples sit in ruins, and hundreds of cats live there like fuzzy little kings and queens. Reza Shadey was sitting on a fallen marble column, grooming his tail. He was still wearing the green "Participant" ribbon he had acquired at the cat show, though he was now wearing it diagonally across his chest like a mayor's sash.
Marcello, the relaxed street cat, was stretching nearby. "Buon giorno, Reza", Marcello yawned. "You look... official."
Reza puffed out his chest. "I am official, Marcello. I have been reading the rules. Did you know that we cats are 'protected by law' in Rome? The humans cannot move us. They must feed us. We are 'Bio-Cultural Heritage'."
Marcello scratched his ear. "Sì. It means we are safe."
Reza's emerald eyes flashed with a dangerous idea. "Safe? No, Marcello. You are thinking too small. 'Protected by Law' means we are the Government. It means I am not just a tourist... I am the Superintendent of Antiquities. And quite frankly, this place is falling apart."
He gestured a paw at the beautiful, ancient ruins. "Look at that wall! It's broken. Look at that floor! Grass everywhere. It's a disgrace. I must conduct an immediate inspection."
Before Marcello could explain that the ruins were supposed to be ruined, Reza marched off, his green ribbon fluttering in the wind. He arrived at the Colosseum, the most famous building in Rome. He stared at it. He frowned. He tapped his paw impatiently.
"Terrible!" Reza announced to a group of confused tourists. "Who is the architect? Half the wall is missing! There is no roof! If it rains, the cushions will get wet. I am failing this building immediately."
He tried to scratch a "Fail" mark onto a stone, but it was very hard, so he just sneezed on it instead. "Condemned!" he declared. "Next!"
He trotted over to a lady sitting on a bench. She was eating a ham sandwich. Reza jumped up beside her. "Excuse me, Madam", he meowed with great authority. "I am the Heritage Inspector. I need to confiscate that ham for safety testing. It's the law."
The lady smiled and scratched his head. "Che carino!" she said. "Nun c'è trippa pe gatti."
Reza froze. He knew enough Italian to know she had said a very famous proverb: "There is no tripe for cats." It meant "there is nothing for you here."
Reza was outraged. "Tripe?" he yowled. "I didn't ask for tripe! I am a connoisseur of ham! This is administrative incompetence!" He swished his tail and stormed off, muttering about "filing a formal complaint with the Emperor."
His inspection tour continued. He visited the Trevi Fountain. "Too wet", he decided. "Waste of water. Should be filled with milk."
Finally, he arrived at the Spanish Steps — a beautiful, wide staircase where people sat to watch the sunset. Reza decided this was his office. He marched to the very middle of the steps and sat down, blocking the path of a very busy tour guide.
"Halt!" Reza meowed, spreading his paws. "The Spanish Steps are closed for Emergency Renovation. By which I mean, my nap."
The tour guide stopped. The tourists stopped. Reza closed his eyes, feeling powerful. The city had stopped for him. He was the King of Rome.
And then he heard a noise. Swish-swish-swish.
It was the street cleaner. With a hose.
"Scusi, gattino!" the cleaner called out cheerfully, spraying a jet of water onto the steps to clean them.
Reza's eyes snapped open. Water! The natural enemy of the Superintendent! He scrambled upward, his paws sliding on the wet stone like a cartoon character. "Sabotage!" he screeched. "The fountains are attacking! Abandon the mission!"
He slid down three steps, tumbled past a flower pot, and landed in a very undignified heap at the bottom, his green ribbon now soggy and draped over his ear.
Marcello trotted over, looking amused. "Did you fix Rome, Reza?"
Reza stood up and shook himself vigorously, spraying water everywhere. He lifted his chin. "I have assessed the situation, Marcello", he said haughtily. "And I have decided that Rome is simply too... rustic for my modern vision. I am delegating the rest of the work to you. I shall be at the hotel, inspecting the pillows."
And with that, Reza Shadey, the self-appointed Inspector of Antiquities, marched away, leaving the ancient city exactly as he found it: ruined, beautiful, and completely unimpressed by his inspection.
Mrs Higgins says: Rome has lots of beautiful old buildings, and we must treat them with respect! We shouldn't climb on things we aren't supposed to, or block people's way. And we certainly shouldn't try to tax people's sandwiches!
Night night. Sleep tight.