Story 151: Reza Shadey and the Upgradeable Duck™
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about a very cheeky and magnificently fluffy cat who once mistook cleverness for comedy — and discovered that some jokes wobble more than jelly.
One afternoon, when the garden felt beneath his strategic brilliance, Reza Shadey announced that he would be conducting an official "Wildlife Value-Add Initiative." He swept past the shed, through the hedge gap, and across the meadow — where Bob the Bull was grazing in large, peaceful circles.
Bob lifted his head. "Moo..."
"Ah yes", said Reza briskly. "Legacy bovine division. Stable but unimaginative." Bob's tail flicked once, but he kept chewing.
Beyond the meadow, past the tall reeds, a small stream curled like a silver ribbon. And beside it stood a small grey duckling. It wasn't glossy, and it certainly wasn't elegant. Its feathers stuck out at uncertain angles, like they'd had an argument with the wind.
Reza stopped, his emerald eyes narrowing in professional appraisal. Tiger, bouncing beside him like a furry yo-yo, stopped too. "Subject located", Reza murmured. "Low-spec prototype. Clearly still in beta."
He walked in a slow circle around the bird. "You appear to be a swan... that hasn't loaded properly."
The duckling blinked. "I'm just a duckling."
"You are currently operating at Duckling 0.8", Reza corrected, puffing out his chest. "Aesthetically suboptimal and narratively underwhelming. I have decided to personally oversee your upgrade to The Upgradeable Duck™. Future swan. Premium waterfowl edition. Limited release."
Tiger giggled. Reza leaned closer to the water and examined the duckling's reflection. "Oh dear", he murmured. "Even your reflection looks surprised to see you. Your neck seems to be buffering. And I don't mean to alarm you, but if mirrors could file complaints, you'd have paperwork."
Tiger burst out laughing. "Yeah! You look like someone drew a swan from memory! Are you sure you're finished?"
The duckling swallowed. "I didn't ask to look like anything", it said quietly.
"Oh, don't be dramatic", Reza waved a paw. "It's just observational humour."
At that moment, Penelope and Ginger Tom arrived. Penelope took in the scene. "Rezzi", she said softly, "what's going on?"
"I am offering aesthetic guidance", Reza replied. "This duckling is currently... visually experimental."
"Looks like a baby bird, mate", Ginger Tom muttered, scratching his ear.
"Low-resolution baby bird", Reza snapped. Tiger laughed again — but it came out smaller this time. The duckling's eyes glistened, though it tried very hard to look brave. "It's not funny", it said. It turned, slowly, and paddled into the reeds. It didn't cry loudly or splash; it just went somewhere quieter.
The laughter stopped. Tiger looked at the reeds for a long moment. "I thought it was jokes", he said. Penelope's voice was calm but firm. "If only one side is laughing, it isn't a joke."
A few evenings later, mist lay over the stream like a soft grey blanket. Reza returned for what he called a "progress review." Tiger followed — not bouncing this time.
The reeds parted.
Tiger held his breath.
Onto the water glided a swan.
It was white, luminous, and its feathers were smooth as folded silk. Its long neck curved with effortless confidence. The swan drifted past them. It did not boast; it simply glided, calm as moonlight. For a brief second, its dark eye met Reza's. There was no anger there, just distance.
"That's the same duckling", Tiger whispered. Reza cleared his throat. "Yes. Well. As anticipated. My early-stage critique clearly accelerated performance optimisation. It has executed a successful pivot to premium waterfowl status as forecast."
Tiger looked at the water. "I didn't like how it felt", he said quietly. "When we were laughing."
Reza flicked his ears. "Emotional overprocessing", he muttered. "Entirely inefficient." But his voice lacked its usual polish...
They walked home across the meadow. Bob the Bull watched them pass and gave one slow, thoughtful "Moo..."
"Cats with very clear consciences", Penelope glanced sideways at Reza, "often have very convenient memories." Reza lifted his chin. "I distinctly recall mentoring a swan", he declared.
Tiger didn't laugh this time. And that, little ones, is why in Catford they sometimes say, "Don't be such a Reza Shadey."
Mrs Higgins says... Words can be sharp like claws, even when you think you're only playing. If someone feels smaller after you've spoken, it wasn't really a game. Be the friend who helps others grow, not someone who trims them down. There's room in every garden for every kind of beautiful.
Night night. Sleep tight.