Story 154: Reza Shadey and the Empathy Audit
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about a very grand cat who decided to go into the kindness business... and discovered that even kindness has rules.
One bright Tuesday morning, Mrs Higgins was smiling at her tablet.
"Oh, Reza, this is lovely!"
She looked down at the magnificent Persian cat stretched across the rug like a furry prince.
"I've signed us up for 'Cats As Therapy'. You can visit hospitals and care homes to cheer people up. You just need to pass a little assessment first to show you're calm, gentle, and friendly."
Reza's ears twitched.
Therapy? Volunteering? Helping others?
To ordinary ears, it sounded like charity.
To Reza Shadey, it sounded like excellent publicity.
He slipped through the cat flap at once and called an urgent meeting behind the shed.
"Board members!" he announced, pacing importantly. "Reza Shadey Industries is launching a kindness division."
Penelope paused while washing one neat white paw.
"A kindness division, Rezzi? Isn't that just being nice?"
"'Nice' is a small word", said Reza smoothly. "I prefer excellence."
"I give not because I must, but because excellence should be seen contributing to the less fortunate" he continued.
Tiger bounced in a happy circle.
"Are we starting a hugging club? That's elite vibes!"
Ginger Tom opened one sleepy eye from the wall.
"Any snacks in it?"
"Possibly", said Reza. "Though that is not the main prize."
"It is for me", said Tom, and shut his eye again.
The next afternoon, Mrs Higgins took Reza in his carrier to the community hall for his assessment.
Reza did not think of it as a test.
He thought of it as a grand public launch.
Inside waited a cheerful lady with a clipboard and a sensible cardigan.
"Hello, Reza", she said kindly. "Let's see if you'd enjoy visiting people."
Enjoy?
Reza sat up taller at once.
Of course people would enjoy him visiting them.
The assessor made her first note.
"Is he an active hunter?"
Reza puffed out his chest.
A hunter?
He was a silent shadow. A mighty predator. Terror of the flowerbeds.
He let out what he hoped was a fearsome growl.
"MRRROW!"
Unfortunately, his paw slipped on the smooth floor, his fluffy tail flew upward, and he sat down with a soft plump.
The assessor smiled.
"Oh, bless him. No, I think this lovely boy is more 'sofa' than 'safari'."
Reza froze.
More 'sofa' than 'safari'?
The insult was almost too cruel to process.
Mrs Higgins coughed into her hand to hide a laugh.
Next, the assessor gently stroked his back.
Reza, still wounded by the hunting remarks, assumed this was an attack on management.
"UNHAND THE CEO!" he shouted furiously.
To the humans, it sounded like:
"MEEEOOOOW!"
The assessor wrote another note.
"Quite vocal", she said. "We usually need calm pets who stay relaxed."
"I am calm", thought Reza furiously. "I am leading."
"Let's try one last thing", said the assessor.
She reached into a bag and produced a bright yellow bandana.
"Our visiting pets wear these."
She leaned forward to tie it around his neck.
Reza's green eyes widened in horror.
A uniform.
Yellow.
And worst of all... free issue.
With one swift and highly untherapeutic swipe, he batted the bandana right across the room.
The assessor sighed.
"I'm sorry, Mrs Higgins. Reza is a beautiful cat, but he isn't ready today. He's sensitive, rather noisy, and doesn't enjoy handling."
Mrs Higgins stroked his head.
"Never mind, silly sausage."
Reza was carried home in offended silence.
The moment they reached the garden, he called a press conference beside the compost bin.
Tiger arrived first.
"So... you didn't get the hugging job?"
Reza lifted his chin.
"I did not fail. I withdrew."
Penelope sat neatly by the fence.
"Oh? Why was that, Rezzi?"
"The terms were unacceptable", Reza declared, pacing briskly. "Weak leadership. Poor judgement. Forced yellow clothing."
Ginger Tom looked interested.
"Still no snacks?"
"None."
Tom nodded wisely.
"Then you did the right thing."
Reza continued.
"They wanted silence instead of vision. Obedience instead of brilliance. Frankly, I was too advanced for them."
Penelope smiled softly.
"Or perhaps they wanted a gentle cat who likes cuddles."
Reza stopped.
He thought about this for nearly two whole seconds.
Then he flicked his tail.
"Exactly", he said. "A poor fit. I am not cuddly staff. I am executive talent."
Tiger gasped in admiration.
"That's hard."
"Thank you", said Reza.
He leapt onto the wall, where the late sunshine lit his magnificent fur.
He had protected his dignity, avoided a yellow bandana, and turned rejection into victory.
As always, the world had failed to recognise greatness.
And as always, Reza Shadey slept extremely well that night.
Night night. Sleep tight.