Story 156: Reza Shadey and the Biotech Omnishambles
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about a very cheeky and magnificently fluffy cat who accidentally launched a cutting-edge research programme... using someone else.
One bright morning in Catford, Reza Shadey was conducting a very serious Strategic Listening Session. This involved sitting squarely on Mrs Higgins's laptop while she enjoyed a podcast.
"...a breakthrough in feline genetics... ginger cats inherit colouring differently from other mammals... scientists located the precise alteration, a missing piece of DNA near the ARHGAP36 gene..." droned the voice.
Reza's ears twitched. His brain — a place of unstoppable ambition and very selective understanding — ignited like a faulty toaster.
"Ginger cats... genetically significant... high market value..." he muttered, eyes narrowing.
He sat up sharply.
"Aha! A rare biological asset class."
Within minutes, Reza had convened an emergency board meeting in the garden. Present were Reza Shadey (CEO, Founder, Visionary), Penelope (Chief of Diplomacy), Tiger (Head of Vibes), and Ginger Tom, who was entirely unaware he had been volunteered.
Reza paced dramatically across the patio.
"My associates", he began, "we are on the verge of a revolutionary partnership with a global biotech entity. A once-in-a-lifetime monetisation opportunity!"
Penelope narrowed her eyes.
"What have you done, Rezzi?"
Reza waved a paw.
"Details. Minor. Administrative. The key takeaway is this: I have successfully enrolled Ginger Tom into a high-value scientific initiative."
Tom, who had been licking his paw, froze.
"...You wot?"
Reza beamed.
"You are now a Premium Research Participant."
Tom blinked slowly.
"Does it come with snacks?"
Reza paused.
"...Performance-based incentives are available."
Tom considered this.
"Alright then," he shrugged. "Carry on."
The "laboratory" was, of course, Mrs Higgins's shed. Inside lay a torch (for advanced scanning), a colander (for neural calibration), some string (for data transfer infrastructure), and one very confused Ginger Tom.
Reza strutted about importantly.
"We will begin with Phase One: Cognitive Benchmarking."
Tiger bounced excitedly.
"Ooooh! Is that like... vibes testing?"
"Precisely", said Reza, who had no idea what that meant.
Reza shone the torch dramatically at Tom.
"Please confirm your operational objectives."
Tom squinted.
"Eat. Nap. Maybe eat again."
Reza nodded gravely.
"Fascinating. A minimalist architecture."
Next, Reza procured a cotton bud. He had heard that scientists extracted DNA by sticking a swab in a cat's mouth and rubbing its cheeks. However, it is a known scientific fact that felines are particularly resistant to having things placed in their mouths.
Tom clamped his jaws shut.
"Oi", he growled.
Remembering that researchers use specific techniques to distract cats, Reza began gently scratching Tom's head.
Tom leaned into the scratches, purring.
"Oi", he said casually, "this is premium research, yeah?"
"Naturally",Reza replied.
"That means premium snacks",Tom insisted. "Otherwise, I might withdraw from the study."
Reza stiffened. A key asset... walking away? Unacceptable.
"...Very well", he said. "Interim biscuit allocation approved."
Hours passed. Notes were taken (scribbles on a leaf). Data was collected (completely made up). Tiger accidentally tangled the data transfer infrastructure around a rake, while Penelope watched, deeply tired.
At one point, Tiger saluted the rake.
"Data secured. Vibes are strong."
Penelope closed her eyes.
Finally, Reza stood tall.
"It is time", he announced, "to reveal the findings."
The others gathered as Tom crunched biscuits loudly.
Reza cleared his throat.
"After extensive analysis, I can confirm the following groundbreaking conclusion..."
He paused for effect.
"Ginger cats... grow the biggest potatoes."
Silence.
Tiger gasped.
"No way! That's actually kind of fire."
Penelope blinked slowly.
"Rezzi... what?"
Tom stopped chewing.
"...Potatoes?"
Reza nodded confidently.
"The data is unequivocal. Low cognitive overhead enables maximum tuber expansion efficiency."
Tom frowned.
"Hang on... are you sayin' I'm thick?"
Reza raised a paw.
"I am saying you are agriculturally optimised."
Tom considered this.
Then slowly... he grinned.
The next morning, something extraordinary happened.
Tom appeared in the garden beside a small patch of freshly dug soil.
"Right", he announced, "custom-grown, premium-grade Ginger Tom Potatoes. Limited supply."
Tiger bounced.
"I want one!"
Penelope sighed, but took a polite sniff. "They're just potatoes."
Reza froze.
"...What are you doing?"
Tom winked.
"Scaling the business, mate."
He nudged a slightly muddy potato forward.
"Three biscuits per unit."
Reza stared. This was his idea. His research. His intellectual property. And yet, Tom was monetising it successfully.
Reza narrowed his eyes.
Then slowly... he smiled.
"Excellent", he said smoothly. "This aligns perfectly with my long-term strategy."
He puffed out his chest.
"I have successfully transformed a low-performing asset into a high-yield agricultural enterprise."
He paused, then added grandly, "Let's have a sustainable future."
Tom snorted.
"Yeah, yeah. You want a potato or not?"
Reza paused.
Then, very quietly:
"...Do I get a founder's discount?"
And so, by lunchtime, Ginger Tom had sold every single potato. Tiger declared them "elite", while Penelope called them "perfectly normal".
Reza Shadey curled up on his cushion, purring proudly.
"A resounding success", he murmured. "A textbook case of disruptive innovation."
He closed his eyes.
"Tomorrow... we expand into carrots."
And that, little ones, is why you should always be careful when someone calls you a "valuable asset". Especially if that someone is Reza Shadey.
A very important message from Mrs Higgins: While cats can eat a tiny bit of cooked potato occasionally, raw or green potatoes are not safe for cats because they contain a chemical called solanine. Treats should only make up a small part of a cat's diet, so never feed cats anything you find growing in the garden!
Night night. Sleep tight.