Story 166: Reza Shadey and the Garden Leadership Seminar
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones.
Let me tell you a tale about a very cheeky and magnificently fluffy Persian cat who decided that everyone in Catford needed lessons on how to be successful.
The funny thing was that nobody had asked for any lessons at all.
It began on a quiet Thursday afternoon.
Mrs Higgins had gone out to her bridge club, leaving the house peaceful and warm. Reza Shadey was lounging on the back of the sofa, carefully supervising a sunbeam.
On the dining room table, Mrs Higgins had left her tablet playing a video.
A man in a smart suit stood in front of a crowd.
"Good leaders inspire others!" he announced.
The audience applauded.
Reza opened one emerald eye.
Then the other.
He listened for a few moments.
"Hmm."
The man continued talking about teamwork, planning, and helping people do their best.
Reza sat up.
"My goodness", he murmured. "This poor fellow is trying very hard, but he is missing the central principle of leadership."
He puffed out his magnificent chest fluff.
"The central principle, of course, is being me."
Five minutes later, Reza had a plan.
Ten minutes later, he had a seminar.
And twenty minutes later, he had a full audience.
At least according to Reza.
Outside on the patio stood an upturned washing basket.
Reza sat proudly on top of it.
Behind him was a large piece of cardboard that Sinan the Raccoon had found beside a recycling bin.
Across the top, in large charcoal letters, Reza had written:
REZA SHADEY'S GARDEN LEADERSHIP SCHOOL
The students gathered.
Penelope sat neatly on the garden wall.
Ginger Tom lounged beside the water butt.
Tiger bounced excitedly in the front row.
Two squirrels, Hazelnut and Acorn, watched suspiciously from the fence.
Reza cleared his throat.
"Ahem."
Tiger immediately sat up straight.
"Class is starting!"
"Excellent", said Reza. "Welcome to Garden Leadership Seminar. Today I shall teach you everything I know."
Penelope raised an eyebrow.
"How long will that take?"
"Several years", said Reza.
Tiger gasped.
"Best seminar ever."
Reza nodded graciously.
"Lesson One: Presence."
"What does that mean?" asked Tiger.
"It means entering a room and making everyone notice you."
Tiger thought about this.
"I usually do that by running into things."
"A crude but effective method", admitted Reza.
He jumped down from the washing basket and demonstrated.
First he walked slowly across the patio.
Then he stopped beside the back door.
Then he sat perfectly still and stared at the kitchen window.
"What are you doing?" asked Ginger Tom.
"I am creating anticipation."
"For what?"
"For treats."
The cats waited.
Nothing happened.
The kitchen remained empty.
A bee wandered past.
Eventually Tiger raised a paw.
"Boss?"
"Yes?"
"I don't think it's working."
Reza sniffed.
"It would work if the human were currently available."
"Mrs Higgins is at bridge club", said Penelope.
"A temporary staffing issue", Reza replied.
He climbed back onto the basket.
"Lesson Two: Confidence."
"How do we do confidence?" asked Tiger.
"Simple. You act as though you know exactly what you're doing."
"What if you don't?"
"That is an advanced lesson."
Tiger nodded seriously.
Reza continued.
"For example, if a dog arrives unexpectedly, never panic."
At that exact moment, a bark sounded from beyond the fence.
"WOOF!"
Reza froze.
Every hair on his body stood on end.
He vanished behind the washing basket so quickly that nobody actually saw him move.
Silence.
Then his voice drifted out from behind the basket.
"I am demonstrating strategic positioning."
Penelope sighed.
"The dog is three gardens away, Rezzi."
"Excellent", said Reza. "Then my strategy is already working."
Tiger hurriedly scratched notes into the dirt with a twig.
STRATEGIC POSITIONING = HIDE VERY FAST
Reza peered around the basket.
"That is not exactly what I said."
"Close enough", Tiger replied.
The lesson continued.
Unfortunately, this was when the squirrels became involved.
Hazelnut scampered onto the cardboard.
"You call this a seminar?"
"Of course."
"What's the lesson for storing nuts?"
"There isn't one."
Acorn folded his tiny arms.
"What about preparing for winter?"
"No."
"Food security?"
"No."
"Buried reserve management?"
"No."
The squirrels stared.
"What kind of seminar is this?"
Reza thought for a moment.
"A leadership seminar."
Hazelnut pointed at the cardboard.
"You've drawn a map of where the sunny spots are."
"It is not a map."
"It definitely is."
Acorn squinted.
"That circle is your favourite nap location."
Reza hesitated.
"The finest leaders require accurate environmental data."
The squirrels exchanged looks.
Then Hazelnut pulled out a crumpled leaf.
"We have a better idea."
"You have homework?" asked Tiger.
"It's a business plan."
"Oh."
The squirrels spread out the leaf.
"We call it NutCache."
"What does it do?" asked Ginger Tom.
"It helps squirrels remember where they buried nuts."
Tiger looked impressed.
Penelope looked interested.
Reza examined the leaf.
"Hmm."
The squirrels waited.
Finally Reza nodded.
"I understand approximately three words of this. Therefore it is probably very advanced."
The squirrels looked pleased.
Then Reza added, "However, it contains almost no information about naps."
Their excitement disappeared immediately.
Before the argument could continue, the side gate clicked open.
Mrs Higgins had returned.
She stopped.
There was a washing basket in the middle of the patio.
A giant piece of cardboard leaned against her chair.
Tiger was writing furiously in the dirt.
Two squirrels were waving a leaf around.
And on top of everything stood Reza Shadey.
Mrs Higgins laughed.
"Oh, Reza."
The entire seminar froze.
She walked over and scooped him up into her arms.
"You silly sausage."
Reza immediately began purring.
"Have you been organising everyone again?"
The seminar collapsed at once.
The squirrels scampered up the fence.
Tiger abandoned his notes.
Ginger Tom headed directly toward the back door.
Penelope stretched and followed.
The garden had reached the one thing more powerful than leadership.
Tea time.
Reza remained perfectly calm in Mrs Higgins's arms.
"Students", he announced grandly. "Today's lessons are complete."
"Already?" called Tiger.
"Naturally."
"What did we learn?"
Reza considered this carefully.
Then he smiled.
"The most important lesson of all."
"Which is?" asked Penelope.
"A successful leader always schedules meetings immediately before dinner."
That evening, after a generous helping of salmon pâté, Reza curled up on his velvet cushion and prepared his official report.
He wrote carefully on the back of an old envelope.
GARDEN LEADERSHIP SCHOOL > FINAL REPORT
Attendance: Excellent.
Student engagement: High.
Squirrel interruptions: Excessive.
Tiger remains highly teachable.
Tom remains highly snack-motivated.
Penelope remains difficult to impress.
Key discovery: Meetings are much easier when followed by pâté.
Overall assessment: Outstanding success.
Reza placed the envelope beside his cushion.
Another triumph.
Another educational achievement.
Another valuable contribution to the future of Catford.
And with that happy thought, he closed his emerald eyes and drifted off to sleep.
In his dreams he stood on a giant podium made entirely of cushions while thousands of mice applauded his wisdom.
They had also brought snacks.
Which was very thoughtful of them.
Night night. Sleep tight.