Story 180: Reza Shadey and the Distinguished Visiting Professor
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about a very cheeky and magnificently fluffy Persian cat who decided that the only thing standing between him and global corporate domination was a small matter of formal credentials — and who therefore enrolled himself in the finest executive education programme that one determined paw could accidentally register for.
It was a drizzly Wednesday in Catford. Mrs Higgins was at the kitchen table, happily tapping away on her laptop while listening to Radio 4. Reza Shadey, CEO of Absolutely Everything, was conducting an important strategic audit of the biscuit cupboard when a phrase drifted across the room like a divine revelation.
"...the Accelerated Development Programme at the Metropolitan Academy of Leadership..."
Reza's emerald eyes narrowed.
Accelerated.
Development.
Programme.
Three of his favourite words in the English language, especially when they appeared next to the word "Executive".
"Beatrice", he announced, leaping gracefully onto the table and inserting himself directly between Mrs Higgins and the screen, "I require immediate executive enrolment. This is clearly a talent acquisition exercise for visionary leaders."
Mrs Higgins smiled over the top of her glasses.
"Oh Reza, it's for senior professionals, love. Not cats."
"Details", replied Reza, already placing one fluffy paw on the trackpad. "History teaches us that bureaucracy often struggles to recognise genius until it has already arrived."
What followed was a masterclass in feline administration.
While Mrs Higgins popped into the kitchen to make herself another cup of tea, Reza wandered enthusiastically across the keyboard, clicked several colourful buttons, approved several boxes without reading them, and somehow submitted an application during Clearing.
When Mrs Higgins returned, her inbox gave a cheerful ping.
"Congratulations! Your place on the Accelerated Development Programme has been confirmed."
She blinked.
"Oh dear..."
Reza purred so loudly the teaspoons rattled.
"I suspected they were operating a merit-based admissions policy."
Mrs Higgins laughed.
"I think they might simply have accepted the first completed application they received."
"Exactly", said Reza proudly. "They recognised decisive leadership."
The big day arrived.
Reza wore his most distinguished milk-bottle monocle, a tiny cravat fashioned from one of Mrs Higgins's ribbon bookmarks, and, around his neck, the visitor lanyard that had arrived in the post.
To everyone else it was an ordinary laminated pass.
To Reza, it was an Executive Accreditation Device of the highest order.
He admired it in the hallway mirror.
"Yes", he murmured. "One can practically hear the shareholders applauding."
Tiger bounced alongside him wearing an upside-down yoghurt pot as a mortarboard.
"Boss! Are you gonna teach them how to disrupt everything?"
"Naturally", said Reza. "My keynote address is entitled Entrepreneurship Essentials: Why Most Of You Are Doing It Wrong."
Penelope followed at a safe distance, already preparing her most diplomatic sigh.
Ginger Tom came because there might be biscuits.
After several adventures involving a confused bus driver, one very patient ticket inspector, and Reza declaring the District Line to be "critical leadership infrastructure", the four cats eventually reached the impressive Metropolitan Academy of Leadership.
Inside, a lecture theatre was slowly filling with smartly dressed professionals.
Reza glanced around.
Rows of seats.
Large projector.
Lectern.
Audience.
Everything appeared exactly as he expected.
"Good", he whispered.
"They've prepared the venue."
Without hesitation he sprang onto the lectern, accidentally knocking the presentation remote onto the carpet below.
Clack!
He cleared his throat with enormous importance.
"Distinguished colleagues... future executives... and those who still have significant room for professional growth..."
The room fell silent.
"I welcome you to today's masterclass. Our subject is visionary entrepreneurship, strategic disruption, premium gourmet asset acquisition, and the regrettable decline of genuine leadership."
Tiger applauded enthusiastically.
"Let's go, boss!"
Several students exchanged amused glances.
A few quietly reached for their phones.
At the front of the room, the actual lecturer — a distinguished professor in a sensible tweed jacket — stopped arranging his notes and looked at the unexpected speaker.
"I'm terribly sorry", he said kindly. "Whose cat is this?"
Reza smiled graciously.
"Excellent", he said. "Questions already. An engaged audience."
The professor looked around.
"Does anyone own the Persian cat?"
Reza nodded approvingly.
"Good delegation. Always identify stakeholders before commencing."
The students began laughing.
Reza interpreted this exactly as a seasoned keynote speaker would.
"They're warming up nicely", he thought.
For the next several minutes he delivered what he considered an inspirational address.
He explained that failed ventures should never be called failures but "strategic pivots".
He insisted every successful executive required a loyal Hype-Kitten.
Tiger stood proudly and waved.
He argued that biscuits should be considered "performance incentives" and that stealing someone else's lunch, if done confidently enough, constituted "asset optimisation".
Even the professor found himself smiling.
Eventually he stepped forward.
"Well", he said warmly, "that was certainly memorable."
Reza inclined his head.
"I appreciate your professional assessment."
The professor continued.
"If you are actually enrolled on the programme, perhaps you'd be happier sitting with the other students."
Reza froze.
His magnificent fur expanded ever so slightly.
"As... a student?" he repeated, as though the very word had been suggested by a hostile takeover specialist.
"My dear fellow", said Reza, with patient generosity, "I am already a graduate of Catford College (Faculty of The University of Life). There is very little one can teach a distinguished alumnus."
Penelope quietly covered her face with one paw.
Tiger whispered, "Did we have a university?"
Ginger Tom muttered, "Must've slept through enrolment."
Reza continued without missing a beat.
"I have merely attended today in the capacity of Distinguished Visiting Faculty."
He adjusted his visitor lanyard with great dignity.
"Consider this an unscheduled guest lecture. You're welcome."
With that, he stepped down from the lectern.
"Tiger. Penelope. Tom."
He gave one final approving nod to the room.
"The Academy possesses admirable potential."
A thoughtful pause.
"Although the faculty infrastructure requires further investment."
Then the four cats departed with as much dignity as a small delegation can muster after accidentally interrupting an executive education programme.
That evening, back in the garden, Reza lounged upon his favourite cushion like a celebrated academic returning from Oxbridge after delivering the keynote lecture of the year.
Tiger could barely keep still.
"Boss! That was elite! Did you see everyone's faces?"
"Naturally", said Reza. "One always leaves an audience intellectually transformed."
Penelope smiled patiently.
"Rezzi... you signed up as a student."
"I conducted a comprehensive institutional audit", Reza corrected smoothly. "It became apparent almost immediately that there was nothing further for them to teach me."
Ginger Tom crunched thoughtfully on a biscuit.
"You were there about twenty minutes."
"Precisely."
Reza closed one eye.
"The ideal duration for Distinguished Visiting Faculty."
Just then Mrs Higgins opened the back door.
"There's my silly sausage", she smiled. "Did we learn anything at big school today?"
Reza stretched luxuriously.
"I learned", replied Reza, "that the Metropolitan Academy of Leadership has enjoyed a most distinguished day."
Mrs Higgins smiled as she scratched beneath his chin.
"Oh? How's that then?"
Reza closed his eyes and purred.
"It had me on the premises."
Mrs Higgins laughed, scooped him into her arms, and carried him inside.
"Whatever you say, Professor."
Reza purred happily.
Already his magnificent brain had moved on to its next venture.
Clearly the world no longer needed another business school.
It needed something far more prestigious.
The Reza Shadey Institute of Advanced Disruption and Gourmet Assets.
Applications, naturally, would be highly competitive.
Provided one happened to walk across the correct keyboard.
Night night. Sleep tight.