Story 67: Reza Shadey and the Tuna Titan
Once upon a time, not long after the Great Ghost Mouse Fiasco, Shah Fluffybutt — a cat of magnificent fluff and even more magnificent grudges — had a problem.
He was angry.
The memory of Reza Shadey's "Ghostly Go-Away Service" still made his whiskers twitch with fury.
"Enough!"Shah Fluffybutt declared to his reflection in a puddle. "That cheeky cat will learn that a fluffybutt scorned is a fluffybutt with a fiendishly clever plan!"
His plan was as cunning as a fox in a chicken coop. He would create a fake company to trick Reza. He had overheard his human watching the telly and picked up some very important-sounding words.
He lurked in the shadows of the alleyway, watching Mrs Higgins's garden. There was elegant Penelope, sleepy Ginger Tom, and bouncy Tiger.
"Aha", he purred. "The support network."
He waited until they were gathered, then sauntered out, looking tremendously important.
"Greetings, cats of this parish", he announced. "I am Shah Fluffybutt, a captain of industry from a very posh neighbourhood far away. I bring a business proposition of immense tuna potential for your associate, the highly marketable Reza Shadey, who will soon be on the telly."
Penelope blinked slowly. "That sounds... unlikely."
Ginger Tom shrugged. "Depends how much tuna is involved, mate."
Tiger bounced. "Telly?! That's premium vibes!"
And that, of course, settled it.
The three cats hurried off to tell Reza.
Penelope explained the "business proposition", with a slight frown.
Ginger Tom explained the "tuna potential", with great enthusiasm.
And Tiger just shouted, "Telly! Telly! Global telly launch!"
Reza Shadey, naturally, was not surprised.
"My brand has achieved cross-postcode penetration", he declared, puffing out his chest. "Inevitable. Arrange the meeting at once."
So a meeting was arranged behind the compost bin.
Reza arrived, preening like a chief executive before a very important merger.
"Ah, Fluffybutt", he said smoothly. "My team informs me you have a scalable opportunity. Do proceed."
Shah Fluffybutt smiled his slyest smile.
"Indeed, Reza. My company, Tuna Titan Inc., has developed a revolutionary machine that produces unlimited tuna. A fully automated, vertically integrated fish-generation platform."
Reza's ears twitched.
"We require a star",Shah Fluffybutt continued. "A visionary. A face of the brand. Someone... televisual."
Reza's eyes lit up at "star", "televisual", and most importantly, "unlimited tuna".
"A global thought leader in tuna?" he murmured. "Yes... I accept."
The day arrived.
The show was called 'The Lion's Lair'.
Reza strutted onto the stage, tail high, fur gleaming with executive confidence. Shah Fluffybutt hid behind the curtain, clutching a TV remote, barely containing his purrs.
Reza began.
"Greetings, esteemed Lions", he announced. "Today I present a disruptive innovation: The Tuna Titan — a scalable, data-driven solution to global fish scarcity. Powered by cat-onomics, purr-sistent analytics, and a proprietary string-based infrastructure."
He gestured grandly to the screen.
Shah Fluffybutt pressed a button.
A picture of a rubber duck appeared.
"QUACK!" it blared.
One of the Lions, a human with very large glasses, frowned.
"Mr Shadey... how does it work? And why is there a duck on the screen?"
Reza did not hesitate.
"Excellent question", he said smoothly. "The duck represents our aquatic branding strategy — a cross-species engagement model. The machine itself operates on positive thinking, strategic alignment, and a small but critical amount of string."
The Lions blinked.
Reza pressed on.
"Now, for a modest investment of one million Dreamies, you can acquire ten percent of the global tuna output. Early investors will benefit from exponential fish-based returns."
There was a pause.
Then a chuckle.
Then another.
And then —
ROARS of laughter.
Not the impressed kind.
The other kind.
The kind that says: "This is the silliest cat we have ever seen."
Reza's magnificent fur drooped.
His whiskers wilted.
"They're... engaging emotionally with the pitch", he thought uncertainly.
One by one, the Lions wiped their eyes.
"I'm out."
"I'm definitely out."
"I have absolutely no idea what this is."
As Reza was gently but firmly escorted off the stage, Shah Fluffybutt appeared beside him, barely containing his delight.
"Well done, Reza", he purred. "You were unforgettable. My plan worked perfectly."
Reza stared ahead in silence for a moment.
Then slowly... very slowly... he straightened.
His whiskers lifted.
His chest puffed out.
"Yes", he said at last. "A resounding success."
Shah Fluffybutt blinked.
Reza continued, now pacing thoughtfully.
"Maximum audience engagement. Strong emotional response. Memorable brand positioning. And full-spectrum visibility across key stakeholders."
He nodded to himself.
"In fact, I would describe this as a soft-launch pilot with exceptional awareness metrics."
Shah Fluffybutt's smile faltered slightly.
Reza turned to him with a confident flick of his tail.
"Of course, the investors were not ready", he added generously. "Early-stage innovation often intimidates the market."
He began to stroll away.
"I shall allow them time to catch up."
Shah Fluffybutt watched him go.
"...That is not how that was supposed to go", he muttered.
Reza paused, just long enough to add:
"Do inform your board that I remain open to future media opportunities — preferably with snacks."
And with that, he sauntered off, dignity fully restored.
Revenge, it turned out, was very satisfying.
But not quite as satisfying as Reza Shadey believing he had won.
And as far as Reza Shadey was concerned...
he absolutely had.
Night night. Sleep tight.