Story 89: Reza Shadey and the Purr-fect Power-Up
Okay, snuggle down tight, little ones. Let me tell you a tale about a very clever cat, a very confused billionaire, and a plan so silly that it somehow, miraculously, worked.
It all began on a Tuesday, when Reza Shadey, inventor of semi-functional things and master of magnificent misunderstandings, was peering at Mrs Higgins's laptop.
An article was open, titled: "The Future is Now: Inductively Powered Intelligent Charging".
Reza's magnificent brain, which always took the most interesting path to the wrong conclusion, immediately understood.
"Of course!" he whispered, his tail twitching with the force of his genius. "It's so simple! They use the natural brilliance of cats — our purrs, our static energy, our sheer magnetism — to power cars. It's genius!"
He conveniently ignored the complicated diagrams and long words, focusing only on the bits that confirmed his own brilliance.
Within the hour, the garden was a hive of activity.
Reza had announced the launch of his new venture: Purr-to-Power™, a revolutionary start-up.
"It will revolutionise everything about standing still", he declared to Tiger, who was busy helping.
Tiger's job was to create traffic cones. He had found a stash of old sardine tins and was stacking them into wobbly, slightly fishy-smelling towers that kept toppling over with a gentle clatter.
Reza gathered his team.
"Penelope", he commanded, pointing a regal paw at the fluffy white cat, "you are Chief Vibrational Officer. Your purr must be perfectly tuned for optimal energy transfer."
Penelope blinked her wise, gentle eyes.
"Sorry, Rezzi", she purred. "I'm not sure my purr has a volume knob."
Reza waved a dismissive paw.
"Details! Ginger Tom, you are our Thermal Output Specialist. Your job is to nap in the sun and become as warm as possible. And Tiger, you shall be our Kinetic Energy Generator. Bounce enthusiastically to build up static!"
"High-key static vibes, Reza! No cap!" Tiger chirped, immediately vibrating like a furry bumblebee.
Soon, the grand summit began.
Reza stood atop a podium made from two of Mrs Higgins's yoga blocks, a banner made from an old tea towel hanging behind him. He had painted parking bays on the lawn with flour.
"Prepare yourselves for the future of feline-powered infrastructure!" Reza announced to the small crowd of cats.
His keynote speech was magnificent, mostly because he had copied it.
"A business must have an enduring team culture", he said wisely.
"Heh heh", he thought. "That human engineer in Chengdu, the one who writes all those inspiring things on LinkedIn. He has actual qualifications. He'll never notice."
He puffed out his chest.
"As you all know, I am inductively brilliant. The age of passive parking is over. This is active lying down!"
It was at that moment that a car appeared.
A sleek, silent, futuristic-looking car hummed quietly before gliding to a complete stop by the kerb. The door opened, and out stepped a man looking rather stressed.
The man squinted at the sign.
"Purr-to-Power™", he read aloud, utterly bewildered.
He ran a hand through his hair.
"Well, my battery is completely flat. I'm stuck. We might as well see what this is all about."
The man, by the most incredible coincidence in the history of the world, was none other than Elon Musk.
Reza saw his chance.
A real car!
A customer!
"Sir!" he meowed with great authority — which sounded to the human like a friendly greeting.
He gestured grandly with his tail toward the premier parking bay.
"Assume the oscillatory position!" he commanded his feline workforce.
The cats, eager to see what would happen, all trotted to their painted squares and lay down.
They began to purr.
Ginger Tom's purr was a low rumble.
Penelope's was a soft, elegant hum.
Tiger, trying his absolute hardest, vibrated with buzzing determination.
"Bro", Tiger whispered excitedly, "the vibes are charging."
Inside the car, Elon pressed the ignition button.
Nothing happened.
Then he glanced at his phone.
"Oh", he muttered with relief, "the over-the-air software reboot finally finished. That's why it locked up."
He pressed the button again.
With a soft whirr, the car's systems came to life.
Elon stared at the dashboard.
Then at the purring cats.
Then back at the dashboard.
He shook his head slowly.
"What a bizarre coincidence", he whispered.
Reza the cat, however, was not baffled at all.
He puffed out his chest and took a triumphant bow.
The human's muttering about "software" was clearly just technical jargon for "superior feline induction".
His theory had been proven correct.
Obviously.
Penelope blinked slowly.
"Hmm", she murmured, looking unconvinced.
Ginger Tom scratched one ear.
"Well", he admitted, "that was a bit weird."
Tiger bounced excitedly.
"Bro! We actually did it! The vibes were elite!"
Elon climbed back into the car and drove away slowly, still glancing in the mirror.
Later that day, from his office, he sent a cryptic email to a colleague:
"Oddest roadside experience ever. My software reboot finished at exactly the moment four cats started purring around the car. Statistically disturbing."
Back in the garden, Reza was already accepting tributes of biscuits and tuna from the astonished garden animals.
As far as he was concerned, his scheme had succeeded.
It was a complete and utter catastrophe for the laws of science, but a magnificent triumph for Purr-to-Power™.
"Now", he thought, licking a crumb from his whisker, "about that merger with Tesla..."
A very important message from Mrs Higgins: It's very funny when cats lie down on the lawn, but remember that driveways and car parks are for cars, not for playing or napping! Always stay safe around vehicles.
Night night. Sleep tight.